I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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