Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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