I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?