im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
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He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched a dick in church today
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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