marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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