u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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