Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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