You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
