Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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