My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
