do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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