he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
