Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
