I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
