i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
