I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
