Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
