why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
