I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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