I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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