People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
