Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
