I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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