I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
