K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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