Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
