is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
