Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
