This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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