Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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