apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
