some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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