I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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