home. puking in laundry basket.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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