Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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