does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
