i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
