so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
