Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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