my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
