I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I supernannyed him into submission
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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