Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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