Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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