Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
