It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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