What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
