hotel room ftw
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
