I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
