we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
