Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
