he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
