o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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