Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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