you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
