I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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