i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
