they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Less talking, more tequila
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
