I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
