she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
